* After a couple of years of doing the foxtrot with the racing media, Zac Purton finally announces his retirement from horse racing to take up the challenge of being a professional golfer.
Zac makes the announcement at his prestigious and state of the art ZP Masters golf course in the Maldives and reveals expansion plans for what will be a global franchise.
In the audience at the press conference are Greg Norman, Tiger Woods, John Rahm, Scottie Scheffler, cricketer David Warner and Actress Margot Robbie.
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* In an attempt to bring diversity into the game, racing clubs are required to have more white, grey and palominos racing along with riders and trainers of every nationality known to man. This results in marathon 3-4 day race meetings.
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* That white elephant known as the Hong Kong Racing Museum is turned into a retro chic club and named Lady Madonna.
No prizes for guessing the name of the Special Guest at its Grande Dame Opening.
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* To address the concerns of those racing uncles and aunties in Hong Kong who see a “disconnect” between the entertainment fare provided at the races like the falsetto howler at Happy Valley and Canto Pop oldies and Mirror members and the actual horse racing, the marketing gurus from the Hong Kong Jockey Club introduce mahjong competitions during those twenty odd minutes between the races to create more interactivity and engagement.
Giveaways for the rather mature regulars include deep fried chicken wings, lucky Double Happiness matchboxes and one can of San Miguel beer.
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* Godolphin horse trainer James Cumming is tipped to play Tom Cruise in a biopic of the Mission: Impossible franchise Actor.
James Cummings as Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise as James Cummings
Also in the running and running and running for the role made famous by Tom Cruise is Hong Kong based Australian saxophonist Blaine Whittaker.
Blaine Whittaker: Bringing Saxy Back.
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* In a move that surprises no one, popular Irish jockey Neil Callan, a serial Twitterer, purchases- what else?- Twitter from Elon Musk.
The official media release about the takeover and plans for the online platform comprises random emojis and the “words” lol, FFS and LMAO.
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* Jockey Brenton Avdulla makes a surprise appearance as the son of Nicholas Cage in a remake of something or another.
Brenton Avdulla as the Bird in the Cage
Nicholas Cage flipping and flapping out.
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For reasons not made clear, it is bestowed on someone in Hong Kong that they create The Annabel Neasham Admiration Society and where the popular horse trainer is described as “a timeless beauty with the beguiling attractiveness of Guinevere”.
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Those excruciatingly boring trophy presentations regularly trotted out by the Hong Kong Jockey Club get a much needed lift when CEO Winfried Engelbrecht-Bresges throws caution to the wind and moves towards the winners while in the throes of his Octopussy Dance and presents them with their trophies.
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Tabradio presenter Digby Beecham is revealed as The Masked Singer.
Ratings plummet with audiences asking, “Who?”
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In an effort to reach a younger audience, new besties after three decades of a Game Of Thrones- the once warring heads of Racing New South Wales and the Hong Kong Jockey Club- produce a Hip Hop version of The Wizard Of Oz.
No idea what this means.
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The Hong Kong Jockey Club announces its first ever pop up race- The Wok- and which is described as “Stirring and different gravy”.
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* Racing.com changes its name to Racing.con and the head of the Dead People’s Radio Station goes on a worldwide search for sponsors other than funeral homes.
The Chief Executive Plodder announces that the station is moving from funerals to funky.
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